Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
You Might Also Like
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
set yourself free xox
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.