I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
So that’s what we looked like?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.