Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people