“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
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Me if I was a dog
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
crying
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
tell em, edith-anne
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I’m confused about plants
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…