FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?