I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
X-tra spooky blend
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Bloody internet 😳
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Worth a try
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
When someone says you are so lazy
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.