God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
never compromise your values
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.