Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.