My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
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Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.