[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef