The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
this is 10/10 content no notes
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake