I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.