How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas