My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
You are what you delete.