I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
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I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
based al yankovic
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.