her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.