Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”