Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
You deplete me
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”