This is not me but this is me
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
In case you needed to hear it:
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Left at a local drug store…
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler