“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Otters see a butterfly.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Lassie, get help!