Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.