Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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Ironic
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister