“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Great game to play with friends
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.