I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.