A huge thanks to the person that did this
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found my next D&D character name
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.