I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.