Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.