Yoga Matt
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I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you