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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
did it work
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I need to update my racial profile.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.