I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL