If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Wise advice
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Fights fire with marshmallows
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?