Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Bike for sale
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Stop sending me this shit.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!