i dont have time for this
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20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”