When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.