Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.