My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk