Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
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When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.