why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*pronounces patio like ratio
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin