Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
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I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”