Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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This is my emotional support chloroform rag
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.