If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Google assistant rules
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*