Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
How do you like your Corgi?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
(Gaming support cat.)
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.