Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
You Might Also Like
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*