Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
My life coach traded me.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?