If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
You Might Also Like
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.