Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”