just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Hot hot hot 🥵
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!