Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
pizza
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
concern
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic