Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Happy thanksgiving
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Sunday
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Before crowbars crows drank alone
This is what makes twitter great
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point