My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
another case of gang violins
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.